In yesterday's blog, I promised to share a few "card tricks" that I've learned in the game of dealing with troubled relationships - whether that be in family relationships or in relationships with friends, church mates, coworkers, or any type of relationship. I'll keep it simple and cut to the chase.
Card Trick #1:
Learning to accept the irrefutable truth that troubled relationships simply cannot ever be truly reconciled, resolved, healed, or renewed if all four "ingredients" of what I call the "recipe of reconciliation" are not offered by each party in the relationship is absolutely key. These four "ingredients" are included in the latest release from my story album in a song called, "Coffee." The only way to begin the process is to bravely and lovingly communicate the relationship issues - deal the cards, so to speak, to all parties. For truly sustainable relationship reconciliation and renewal, all parties must be willing to 1. OWN THE BEHAVIOR(s) that are counter-productive and destructive to the relationship. 2. Have a (sincere) APOLOGETIC HEART /attitude/spirit about the behavior(s). 3. Make a stabilized commitment to asking the Lord to help you in breaking the habits in order to CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR(s) and 4. Allow a period of time to (proactively) REBUILD TRUST in the relationship. When both, or all parties are not willing to do their part in fully offering those four ingredients, the fact is, there can be no reconciliation and there are choices that then have to be made. These choices include a choice to continue to walk in a prayerful grace with that person until he or she is able to offer those four ingredients. Another one included in this process is the choice to establish healthy boundaries, and keep them in place until those four ingredients can be offered by the other party - or you come to the realization that you were wrong about this person's behavior(s). These are painful choices and initially tend to only exacerbate the problem. So prepare yourself to keep your boundaries in place for that challenging period. Boundaries consist of limiting your time with the other person and placing distance in the relationship. But, it is highly recommended to continue to pursue healing and restoration, even from a distance and within the limits, whenever possible. It is hard at first to accept this recipe as the "only way" but you will find, after you have played the game long enough, that it is actually the only way to win the hand.
Card Trick #2:
Never assume you are the one in the right and be completely willing to continue to work on yourself and willing to have any blind spots revealed to you. Actively ask for blind spots to be revealed in your life. Then take that willingness into the following simple prayer. This prayer will help so much in the challenges, disappointments, and sorrowful process of letting go and distancing and limiting yourself in that relationship. The prayer (or new declaration/mindset/attitude) simply goes like this: "I FORGIVE you (Person's name) and I forgive myself in this, and I RELEASE both of us from any judgments, and I say, "You don't owe me anything." And I now turn to focus on learning more about myself and my issues. I LOVE you (always say their name) and I love myself as well. I ACCEPT that you are where you are in life (Name) and I am where I am in life and that for now, we can't be together in a close relationship. And without setting up any expectations or deadlines, I hold on to HOPE for our future together, (Name) - whether that be here on earth or even in eternal life. So again that's: I...
Forgive
Release
Love
Accept
Hope
Card Trick #3:
Don't dig up the past! This process is never about "rehashing the past" and that should be avoided unless it becomes necessary in order to better understand a recurring problem that is still happening in the present. And that is the goal - only to handle the issues that are still occurring over and over in the present. If you find yourself focusing on issues and behaviors of the past that are in no way connected to understanding the behaviors happening in the present, you then my friend are "beating a dead horse" - to use a rather gruesome cowboy expression. Just know and accept that there is no way for these continually occurring, relationally destructive behaviors to stop unless each person is willing to fully offer up those four "ingredients."
Card Trick # 4.
This is THE BEST TRICK IN THE BOOK! Ready for it? ... CHOOSE to become 100% willing to constantly, fully offer all four ingredients in the recipe of reconciliation to others yourself - as much for yourself as for them! There is just no freedom in the world like being wide open and truly willing to own the truth about any counter-productive, destructive habits and behaviors you yourself struggle with in relationships. After a period of disciplining yourself in this kind of ownership, you will become able to "OWN IT IN THE MOMENT!" which is one of the most powerful forms of being a human being that I know of! The recipe of reconciliation is not a "demand for an apology" (because there is no apology in a demanded apology, right?) It is simply an opportunity offered for the purposes of reconciliation and reconnection. So, let go of any thoughts of those who you feel are not willing to own what you believe to be their counter-productive and/or destructive behaviors and just completely focus on owning your own. If you truly do this full force ahead, and you offer the four ingredients, whether or not they do, you will become so forever thankful for the power of this one amazing "card trick."
I will be sharing relationship solutions like these in a future video series called "Come To The Table." In this series, my main objective is to point people to the experts and resources I have learned (and let me be clear - am still learning) these solutions from. In addition to the video series, I am building and offering a well organized resource library on the website which will help you find your way through the maze and get you directly to the solutions for your specific relationship issues. For now, let me give you my two favorite resources on relationships and boundaries (below.) Also, you can listen to the song here: https://tinyurl.com/b7y2a8jj
For the full STORY BEHIND THE SONG, you can follow the the entire Coffee blog series.
(click the book pics to order from Amazon)
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